When you’re married, you can be so in love and so annoyed with someone at the exact same time.
Your spouse is your confidant, your biggest cheerleader and your favorite cuddle buddy. Yet every time they breathe too loudly or text you another item for the grocery list as soon as you’ve finished checking out, you die a little inside. Hey, that’s marriage, baby.
Below, we’ve rounded up 32 tweets about married life that are funny because they’re true.
1
Talked with another dad about how much I hate shopping with my wife at Old Navy for 10 minutes before I realized that he was a mannequin.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 28, 2019
2
My husband told his friends we put a Ring camera in the house for safety, but we know this is a lie. He did it so we can see and talk to our dogs when we’re not home.
— Stacey (@skittle624) March 5, 2019
3
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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4
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 26, 2019HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
5
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) March 2, 2019[Texting]
Wife: Did I unplug my curlers?
Me: Yes
Wife: Ok, thanks
Me: Did I unplug mine?
Wife: Yes
Me: Have a great day!
6
This is going to be a LONG marriage if my husband plans to breathe the whole time.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) February 23, 2019
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7
My wife has this app on her phone that notifies her the second I’ve finished checking out at the grocery store...
— fundy (@funderlaw) March 2, 2019
... so she can text and ask me to pick up one more thing...
... apparently.
8
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t fluff the throw pillows back up when I got up.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 23, 2019
Day 2,098 of marriage: Husband still doesn’t know where the Tupperware lives.
— Mummy 🤦🏼♀️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 2, 2019
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10
If you’re overly competitive about being more tired than someone else, marriage might be for you.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 4, 2019
11
Finally ready to take my marriage to the next level and start experimenting with the pressure settings on the Instant Pot.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 23, 2019
12
My wife sent me to pick up her prescriptions but all she gave me was a list of Ben & Jerry’s flavors.
— Aaron🏝 (@IamDadSerious) February 20, 2019
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13
Talking in her sleep my wife asked “so where are you from?” and I’m just so happy her subconscious is meeting new people.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 7, 2019
14
Me: [puts entire cupcake in mouth]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 4, 2019
Wife: Did you just put an entire cupcake in your mouth?
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You can’t even say “no” can you?
Me: [slowly shakes head no]
15
I used to think I was the most optimistic person in our house, until I watched my husband load the dishwasher with cheese and egg encrusted dishes without rinsing, because “we paid good money for this dishwasher and I’m not going to do it’s job for it.”
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 3, 2019
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16
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I've started with myself.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 26, 2019
17
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) March 3, 2019[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
18
Marriage is like the cereal aisle. There’s tasty new exciting choices every time you go down it, but you say “I do” to the same box you’ve gotten for the last 15 years.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) March 7, 2019
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19
My husband is watching a YouTube video to figure out how to fix my car so I guess I’m dying today.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 1, 2019
20
My husband gets a little too excited when he sees me pull out a rubber band or scrunchie from the drawer.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 6, 2019
21
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
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22
Vacuuming the cracker crumbs off myself before he gets home from work is how I keep my marriage hot.
— AmandaPoops (@amanda_poops) February 25, 2019
23
My husband has been riding with a bag of donation clothes in his trunk for 2 strong months. I think he's trying to break his old record of 5 years.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 1, 2019
24
My husband just presented me with a coffee, bowed and then backed away without making eye contact. I laughed the whole time but really I was thinking, “How can I make this a daily thing?”
— Mummy 🤦🏼♀️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 5, 2019
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25
I’m going out on the town with my wife tonight so we can complain about how tired we are someplace else.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 6, 2019
26
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 22, 2019Me: I got you a little something for the bedroom. Close your eyes.
Husband: Oh yeah!
Me:*hands over nasal strips*
27
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 28, 2019Wife: You never vacuum.
Also wife: You never empty the vacuum after you vacuum.
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28
[watching a movie]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 19, 2019
guy *rips girls shirt*
wife: That's so hot
[later]
me *rips her shirt*
wife:
me:
wife: Did you just rip my f*cking shirt?
29
— Nicken Drumsticks (@beefman138) March 5, 2019WIFE : You're nostalgic.
ME : I'm not even trying to be a stalgic.
30
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) February 28, 2019Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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31
I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest sh*t. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting sh*t away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”
— motherducker (@houseandhens) February 3, 2019
32
— Skoog (@Skoogeth) March 7, 2019[“guess who” but my wife has replaced all the faces with pictures of john stamos]
wife: does he have immaculate hair and a timeless smile?
me: i don’t think i want to play anymore
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