Several of my closest friends are currently pregnant with their first babies, which has prompted me to think about all the things I want to share with them. While I am by no means an expert on this crazy ride of motherhood, there are things that I wish someone had told me or that, looking back now, I would tell myself during that stage. In writing this letter for my friends, I also wanted to share it for any of you that might be expecting now or in the future, as well. Danielle, Michelle and my other preggo but not-yet-public friend, this is dedicated to you 🙂
A Letter to My Best Friend as She Becomes a Mother:
Congrats Mama!! Although your baby is not yet born, you have already become a mother. I’m so incredibly excited for you, and for that baby you’re growing because they seriously hit the mama jackpot! I’m sure you’ve already been the recipient of all kinds of unsolicited advice. My goal is not to pile anymore on to that, but to just share a few things with you that, looking back now, I wish I could have told myself while I was awaiting my little guy’s arrival.
First of all, you are beautiful and amazing – you are GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE OF YOU! Really just think about it for a minute…it is mind blowing! Everyone is different and I know some people don’t like to read or research a lot, but I thoroughly enjoyed learning about the miracle that was happening inside me and all the amazing things my body was doing to grow this little baby. It gave me a sense of pride and confidence in my body like I’ve never had before, which is really helpful during a time when there is a lot happening with your body that might seem strange or foreign or a bit unpleasant. Try to remember as those things happen that your body knows exactly what is needed to grow a healthy baby and is naturally doing just that!
For some reason this was much easier for me to remember during the pregnancy than it was postpartum. I’m trying so hard to continue to extend myself this grace now that I’m no longer pregnant, as my body is still recovering from the amazing feat of growing and delivering a baby. You know I’m super impatient, so I want everything to go back to normal right away, but that’s just not how it works for most people. That being said, listen to your body and do what you need to in order to take care of yourself. It’s so easy to forget about that and focus all of your energy on your precious new baby (especially since they do demand pretty much all of it in the beginning), but it’s important to take care of yourself so that you can be the best mom and the best you. That really is what’s best for both of you (and your husband too)! So don’t feel selfish doing it, you’re not just doing it for yourself. If you need a night of uninterrupted sleep, let your husband (or mom or friend or even a night nurse if you have to) take over for a night. Heck, tell me and I’ll come take care of that sweet baby! If you just need a little “me” time, it’s OK to leave the baby with someone else for a bit to go for a walk or lunch with a friend or get your nails done or just take a shower or whatever it is that makes you feel like you again. You’ll be amazed how much of a difference it makes.
That goes for time with your husband too. We’re definitely still working on this one, but it’s so important. You have to nurture this relationship and not let it just become all about the baby. Things will get tough sometimes and you’ll both be stressed and sleep deprived, so things won’t always be perfect between the two of you. That’s completely normal. But that’s why it’s even more important to make sure you still put the time and energy into each other so your relationship continues to be strong, because you really need it to be that strong foundation in order to deal with the tough times that come along with caring for a baby. One of my best friends gave us one of the nicest gifts by coming over one night and forcing us to go out for a date night. She came over after we put the baby to bed, so I wasn’t even worried about anything with him, but it allowed us to get away and just focus on each other which was so refreshing. Thanks Cha!! I think I might make this my new “go to” gift for new parents too.
On the topics of husbands, that brings me to another piece of really great advice I got. Another one of my best friends said her mom told her this when she was expecting her first. If your husband is doing something for or with the baby, let him do it. Even if he isn’t doing it exactly the way you think is best or the way you like to do it, don’t jump in and correct him or take over. Most likely if you do that a few times, he is going to stop attempting to do those things. As long as the baby’s safety isn’t in jeopardy, it really doesn’t matter. It’s important to let him find his way in his journey as a new father and build his confidence in that role too, and it also allows him bonding time with the baby (and helps you so that you don’t have to take care of everything yourself!). So if Luke didn’t change the baby’s diaper the exact same way I did, that was OK. Now if he left the baby on the changing table unattended, then I would have said something 😉 Thanks for sharing this very wise advice, Lindsay!
I’m sure you’re already experiencing every emotion imaginable – excitement about becoming a mother and meeting your baby, fear about every possible thing with your baby and maybe even a bit about how you’ll be as a mother, anxiety over hoping nothing will go wrong, stress thinking about all the things you have to do or learn or figure out, concern over how it will impact your marriage, and many more. It might be hard to trust in this right now, but rest assured that you will know what’s best when the time comes, and it really will all work out just how it’s supposed to for you and your family. I’m not saying it will always be easy – it will get tough at times, but try to remember in those times that it will all work out and you’ll get through it. My approach was to try to have very few expectations or “rules” for the way I had to do one thing or another, because honestly, you just don’t know what is going to be best for you until you’re in it. There is so much pressure for the “right” way to do things out there, and I encourage you to ignore all of it. Seriously, just don’t even let it in your head. The right way to do it is the way that works best for you and your baby, which might not be the right way for anyone else. I promise you this – whatever you choose to do, I will support you 100% because I believe in you. So if you’re ever doubting yourself or just need to hear a little encouragement, you just let me know 🙂
Breastfeeding is a big one of those things. Everyone seems to have opinions about it these days and not be afraid to voice them. I think normalizing breastfeeding is great, but a lot of it has also crossed the line into mom-shaming those that don’t for any number of reasons. I’m going to tell you straight up – it is HARD. For something so “natural,” it really doesn’t come naturally for most people. Not everyone is able to breastfeed, and that is absolutely OK too. I have done quite a bit of reading up on the true scientific research and there is a big difference in what you find there and what you read/hear in the media or from your mother in law or the lady at the grocery store or anyone else that somehow thinks your choices around breastfeeding is their business. I’m happy to share what I found with you if you ever want to know, but the takeaway is that there are some amazing benefits for babies that receive breastmilk early one (i.e., the first few months), but exclusive breastfeeding is not required for the baby to get those benefits, and formula is not poison. The most important thing is that your baby isn’t going hungry. So don’t put a ton of pressure on yourself when it comes to how they get fed. Again, the best way for one person isn’t necessarily the best way for you. I’ve seen people absolutely tear themselves up over this, and your sanity and wellbeing is so much more important, for you and your baby.
On that note, it’s also OK to not be OK. There is a lot of pressure to just grin and bare it, to act like everything is fine, to be overflowing with joy and love – I mean you just had a baby, right??? How could you not be happy and so in love??? That’s just not always reality. If you’re not OK, you don’t have to pretend like you are to me. In fact, I hope you don’t. I hope you tell me if you’re not OK. If you just need to vent or you need help, I’m always here for you with no judgment.
A big thing I learned is to listen to your baby. They can’t talk, but they will communicate with you. They have all kinds of non-verbal cues that they use, and you’ll notice that they have different cries for different things. The first week or two is the toughest because you haven’t learned them yet, but pay attention and you’ll start picking them up. One piece of advice I heard or read somewhere that really helped me is that crying is the only way a baby can communicate. For whatever reason, that made the crying a lot less stressful to me. Instead, it made me perk up my ears and eyes and pay attention to what it was he was trying to tell me. Again, it wasn’t always easy to figure out at first, but it got easier pretty quickly. And if you’re not sure, just try something and see if it works! Either way you’ll learn something from it for the next time. I kind of saw it as mini experiments – you’re testing something out and evaluating the outcome. I kind of got into that, since it’s similar to the approach I use for making improvements at work. For me, that made it kind of interesting instead of stressful and it also brought this sense of patience and calmness, which you know is typically very unlike me.
I also really believe that babies feed off of you – if you’re calm, they are more likely to be calm and if you’re stressed, they’re more likely to be stressed. I’m sure that’s not always the case, so don’t beat yourself up if your baby is not calm. Some babies have medical issues that can interfere (colic, reflux, etc.) in which case you definitely should seek medical help with those issues, but I think more often than not they tend to be correlated. This goes back to the taking care of yourself part – do what you need to do to take care of yourself mentally and physically because it really does impact your baby!
Lastly, I know it’s not always easy when you’re in the trenches, but try to enjoy the journey. You’ll only go through your first pregnancy and first venture into motherhood once. And at the risk of sounding cliché, it really does FLY by. I’m only 6 months into it, but I already miss feeling my sweet little guy kicking me when he was still in my belly and how tiny and dependent on me he was in those first few weeks. It’s so hard to not look forward to the next thing (to the baby being born, to the baby NOT being so dependent on you, to them sleeping more, to them sitting and walking and talking, etc., etc.), but I’m trying as hard as I can to really be present in the moment I’m in with him and really enjoy and appreciate whatever that current stage is because I know it’ll be gone before I know it and we’ll be on to the next exciting phase. I really don’t want to look back and feel like I missed out on anything because I was just wishing for the next thing. So try to really enjoy the rest of your pregnancy; really soak up this time that you have just you and your husband before it becomes a lot tougher to do so, pamper yourself (you deserve it – you’re GROWING A HUMAN!!), relish in the closeness you have with your baby always being with you, allow yourself a few more desserts than normal during the only time in your life when its good and expected that you gain a pound per week. Try to do the same through the delivery process. I was actually shocked at my ability to take my own advice here. I had always been terrified of labor, but it was actually not scary at all and just so amazing how one minute this tiny thing you’ve been growing for 9 months is inside of you and the next minute he is in your arms alive and staring right at you. And definitely try to just soak it all in once you have that little newborn in your arms and you start life as a family of 3. It’s the experience of a lifetime!
I love you and I can’t wait to watch you become the wonderful mother that I know you’ll be!
Shannon
